25 mostly funny quotes about life, living, and the human condition

I'd like to share some of my favorite quotes about life, the beauty and brilliance and absurdity of it all....

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back….. Charlie Brown

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.--- George Carlin

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.--George Carlin

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. --- Abraham Lincoln

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat -----Lily Tomlin

Don’t look back, somebody might be gaining on you --- Satchel Paige

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred…..Woody Allen

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown

Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are still an option in their life…unknown

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.....George Carlin

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, you’ll be right… unknown

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.--- Robert Frost

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.-- Will Rogers

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."…. Charles M Schulz

I think I've discovered the secret of life -you just hang around until you get used to it .--Charles M Schulz

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think... George Carlin

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.--- unknown

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.-- Mark Twain

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.----Jack Buck

Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.---Swedish Proverb